I have the attention span of a 12-year-old

I'm tired of these silly games
I have no more tears to cry
Every single time you speak
It's just another worn out lie
You know just how to break me
Every word aimed at my heart
The more the words roll off you tongue
The more you break me apart
So many happy memories
Destroyed with every single word
But as I close off my heart
They all start to sound absurd
I'm realizing all these words
Are just that and nothing more
I'm not your girl, I'm not your friend
And won't be made your little whore

By Kimberly Renee Joli

I'm done....I'm done feeling like a bad person, I'm done saying I'm sorry

I'm done trying to be your friend, just to have you call me angry and drunk

I'm done trying to revive something that is long dead

And I'm done walking on egg shells

I'm not your possession, I'm tired of your jealousy

I'm tired of feeling bad for things I shouldn't feel bad for

the fairie tale that i chose to live my life in the past year and a half has finally ended in a flaming crash and burn....

Ryan and I aren't friends....we were never going to be friends....I should have known that he would show his spots again and you can't teach an old dog new tricks

And in the end he tried to make me feel guilty for what was happening....his drinking again was my fault....I was the horrible one

Really, what it came down to is I was a thing to him....a possession....and as soon as someone else was in possession of me, he threw me away like a cheap toy

Because that was what I was to him.....and maybe that is what I am to everyone

It's all getting old...the game is getting old

I don't know why I keep on playing....maybe because I don't know anything else to do....maybe because I am also bored.....maybe because in some sick and twisted way I get pleasure out of being hurt time and time again

Whatever the reason my be I find myself wanted to hide from the world or drink away my pain...and for the time being that is exactly what I will do

Yes, I broke up with Ryan....

We are friends now...

Everything is fine, a little numb at the moment but fine

NOW...can everyone stop asking me the same questions...

No, but honestly, there is a difference between being in a relationship where everything is mutual as far as feelings and my last two relationships...

I have had enough friends who I can fuck...if I wanted a friend who I could fuck I would have options still...

I just want to be mutually happy with whatever arrangement exists. 

And as for the question of "is there anyone else that you are interested in..."

well, I have answered that one already...and yes there is someone else interesting, but I don't even know what is going on with that....so, no, I did not leave my boyfriend for someone else....

Q and A over....subject dead....thank you....

so,  I'm kinda getting tired of my current situation....

catty people and drama is just a little much for me



I just want a place to live and be happy...is that too much to ask



and I'm tired of girls...i'm going to live with boys, because girls are drama queens

i'm feeling kinda empty...its like the only way that i'm going to get through this week is by just being cut off from everything...

when all is said and done and everything is revealed...for those that are affected...please know that i had no say in the decisions being made...

Lately I've been noticing that I'm getting really antsy

And need to get out and do something...have a social life

Honestly, lately I've been having panic attacks and if I don't do something other then work and play video games, I'm sure it's going to get worse


SOMEBODY NEEDS TO CALL ME!!

I have this dream to be an extra in the twilight saga...

my dream was recently crushed by Summit's decision to spend more money on set building to film in Vancouver B.C.

...however...

now all the casting sites who said it was being fillmed in Vancouver, LA and Italy are being all sly by saying there are additional filming sites in the US...

...one can only hope that Summit might give a damn about the fandom...

...because the price tag on the two disc of Twilight tells me they just want to suck us dry (32.99!!!)

...please please please...

Ambitious
Bold
Cat-lover
Deep
Energetic (at times)
Flaky
Generous
Helpful
Individualistic
Joyful
Kind
Loyal
Manipulative (I can be)
Naive
Old soul
Picky
Quiet
Realistic
Stubborn
Talkative (but only when you get to know me)
Universal (open minded, pliable)
Valued
Worrywort
X-Portlander (yeah, I went there...lol)
Young at heart
Zealous

The Rules:
1. Answer each of the questions below using the Flickr Search engine.
2. Choose a photo from the first three pages.
3. Copy the URL of your favorite photo into this site. http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php
4. Save mosaic to some form of photo hosting thing and share w/world.

1. First Name - Kimmie
2. Favorite Food - macaroni and cheese
3. Hometown - Portland
4. Favorite Color - Blue
5. Celebrity Crush - male: Robert Pattinson (say what you will...)
                                    female: Eliza Dushku
6. Favorite Drink - alcoholic: Jack and Coke
                                 non-alcoholic: hot chocolate
7. Dream Vacation - Cork County, Ireland
8. Favorite Dessert - rum cake
9. What I Want To Be When I Grow Up - Freelance Photographer
10. What I Love Most In The World - My sister
11. One Word That Describes Me - spacey
12. My LiveJournal Name - cinderellakrj13

Forks High School, the fictional one, not the real one...and I would totally want to hang with the vampires...lol

1. copy and paste into LJ
2. bold things that are true about you
3. leave alone the false ones

01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books

06. I wear glasses or contact lenses (or am supposed to at least)
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby

18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free

26. I need money right now
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyes in the past
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look

39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to cornrow
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a Sig. Other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto hahahh drop some 'bows
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my LJ
58. I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
59. I'm a DAMN good dancer lol
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother

62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. i want to have children in the future
72. i have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. i have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. i have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party
84. I have made a move on a friend's Sig. O. in the past (i was a not so good person)
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on LJ
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy country music
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all (his music)
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment

I've come to some realizations...

Where I am now is a vast improvement from where I have been...

When I was younger, I use to lock myself in the bathroom to escape from my mother, just to get her voice out of my head. It was the one place that she couldn't get into. Or I would sit in front of my door. If she would try to push her way in, I would slam the back of my head into the door until she would go away. If she would try to talk to me at the door when i asked to be left alone, i would cut myself to drown her out. Crude, but efficient...sad to say.

My mom and I have always had a very...explosive relationship. There is no other way to put it. That's just what it was. We are like two chemicals that don't react well when mixed together, in fact, we are fatal to everyone and everything around us when we are together.

I wish I was being dramatic, but honestly, I haven't been home in over a month other then Christmas. And, honestly, it been for the best.

The old me resorted to screaming, throwing things, violence against myself...

but sometimes there are things you just have to run away from. It doesn't make you weak, sometimes it's just the smartest thing to do.

Sometimes we have to suffer many scars in order to realize that fact.

I'm proud of who I am now. And I don't need either of them to feel proud of myself. Before it was all about proving my worth to my parents...I mean, should someone really have to do that? I can only hope that my child doesn't have to go through that.

I'm happy with me, that's just a strange realization...for me.

I'm happy...

I don't really know what to make of life...

Things are good with me, but it seems like everyone else has really not so good things going on. I wish that I could help everyone, but I feel kinda useless to the world at the moment. I use to be the one with words of advice. Uplifting words, filled with hope and yada yada...

I don't know if I have that as much anymore, I'm on this whole honest streak and even though I am still optimistic I can't help but think that some people have everything running against them.

Take this kid at work. He's trying so hard to do well, but it seems like the harder he tries the more he screws up. It's funny because when I stopped really caring about what people thought of my work, that's when I go recognized. And I just wish he would stop going against the grain. Because the harder he tries the more everything gets messed up, the more it effects my job and how hard I have to work. And really it's starting to get annoying. I want to go back to school and I don't even feel like I can do that!

People have just lost their ability to go with the flow. I think that's why I have such a hard time partying like I use to. Because there is always that one person who takes everything way to serious. Who can't just enjoy life for a couple hours and has to create conflict instead.

And am I innocent of all infraction...no. I'm improving but I'm not perfect and I'm okay with that. That's what it really comes down to. We can't all be perfect, in fact, we can't be perfect. We can only try our hardest and hope that is good enough. And if it isn't then we can deal with that fact and find something that we are good enough at. Something that we are close to perfect at doing.

That really what it comes down to, don't be selfish. If you can't do the job that is laid before you, don't stick with it just because you don't want to lose some benefit. Because you just make others suffer.

Meh...

I feel like it's been forever since I've posted on livejournal...which it has. I feel like I can't get a clear grasp on my thoughts and feelings. I know that the last anyone had heard from me on here I was going through an emotional crisis. Well, I guess I'll just update to the best of my ability

I work at Battle Ground Blockbuster now and I've made it up to Assistant Store Manager in less then a year and a half. I honestly love my job and the people I work with. I plan on taking drivers ed so that I can get a car and start getting around on my own. Then maybe I can leave town without making it to difficult to get to work.

I've made some friends out here. Greg and Kit are this awesome couple that I've met. Rose and Shannon, and the Ally. Rosa is Awesome. Derek, Cassie, Dustin and Anna are also pretty cool.

And I have a boyfriend named Ryan. We hit our year at the end of October. He is a pretty great guy and I love him.

So, life is getting a little better. Still complicated. Still has its frustrating moments. And I'm still manic...lol...but it's better.

I love you all, I miss most of you, but life goes on and aside from the few who still keep in touch with me, I can't keep reaching out to people that don't care to keep in touch with me.

I've had a while to grow up and I learned that life really does go on and only the ones that can move and grow with you stick around.

I think that I've finally hit a point where I can't return to a life once lead. I miss my life so much, I miss my friends so much, but I'm starting to lose hope that I even cross their minds. I can only hope that I hold some kind of place in their hearts. I want to go back home. I want to go back to Portland. And I will do anything that I have to do to see my friends again. I have to escape from this place. It is swallowing me whole and I'm drowning in my misery. I just want to see my Portland again. I want out of this hell hole. I want to take everyone that I've met here like me with me. I just want out! I never thought I could be this miserable. I never thought I could feel this lost. This down. I feel like I have no one to lean on. I feel like I have to pretend to be okay. I don't want to pretend. But I feel like I have to just to stay sane. Just to not have people always asking me if I'm okay. I'm not, but I'm as okay as I'm going to be. I'm as good as I'm getting. I'm as happy as can be, even though I'm not really that happy. Even though I really want one of my friends to steal me away from here. Help me...

So, things have been same old, same old. I would just like to mention that this will probably be the most annoying post I've ever posted for me, because the backspace button doesn't work on rose's computer. Stupid backspace button.
Well, lets see, what to say...
I miss everyone like crazy. The colder and grayer the weather gets, the more that I find myself thinking about this. I haven't really been the biggest ray of sunshine to be around lately. I sleep a lot, I bitch a lot. I'm not so nice to be around. But I'm trying to keep my happy demeanor, despite everything.
Work is work. Had a BV party at the Oregon Convention Center. It was fun, entertain and completely embarrassing. We are now the store of drunkards. It just helped to remind me that people like the biggest drunk of them all are they people that they are moving up in the company. Maybe that's what I have to do to get moved up around here. Be like her. Although, personally, I have no desire to be like that. I'm just getting annoyed with being asked to train all these people, just so those same people can move up before me. Crystal, Rena, Ally, Debbie, all are people that I've trained on something. Debbie and Ally have both been there long before me. So when they move up, I expect it. I know that I'm training them to do these things because they are going to move up. What really get on my last nerve is training Rena and Crystal, just to see them move up before me and think that they are suddenly in a position to boss me around (let me clarify something, they are going to training classes I was suppose to go to, so they haven't move in a management position, they just think they are all high and mighty now.) Crystal still acts like my equal for the most part. I think that I'm just bothered by the way things are handled with her. SO, i'm not really angry with her. I have no reason for it. But Rena, I trained this girl, from day one. And now she tries to boss me around. I was nice to her from day one, even when I was annoyed with her, I was nice, but I just really don't want to be nice anymore. I'm tired of being nice. I'm tired of getting stepped on. I'm tired of BV.
So, end rant there. Hopefully that hell will be over for me soon enough. I needed to get that all off my chest, but honestly, I really don't care anymore. It's fast food, and I've work harder jobs and been more appreciated. What someone in fast food thinks of me, I could care less. I know how to do almost everything there now because of Steph and Stephanie and Patty. They all have shown and trained me on all the things I need to know. Now it's just a matter of classes and titles and I don't really think I care if I'm a Manager in Fast Food anymore. It's great for some people, but I don't think it's really for me.
So yeah, Love you all, but now I'm going into the excessive writing.

I want to go back to this, happy times

So, it's been a long time since I've posted and if you don't know what has been going on my life we don't talk often enough. This isn't going to be the blog where I give my life story of the past year.
I'm still working at Burgerville. No, I don't enjoy my job. I'm not happy with my job. I, in fact, detest my job. So this isn't really an area I want to discuss in detail.
I might be moving to Hillsboro in the spring. I'm very excited about this and this is a large part of the reason that I still work at Burgerville. Because I can just transfer and still have a job when I move, which is happy.
I'm going to see 30 Seconds to Mars play at the Roseland this weekend. I'm frickin super excited about this. I haven't been to a concert in a really long time. And, woohoo for Jared Leto singing, yummy...
I'm going to Massachussetts for a week and a half at the end of the moth. Another exciting thing. I get to go to Boston. I only wish I was going to St. Patty's Day. That would be fun...
And I've been practically living with my friend Rose out here is BG. Here family are the ones I hope to be moving to Hillsboro with. Y'all would like her. She is a rocking Irish chick who does Cosplay and loves every minute of it. And she hates BV as much as me, so we get along grand.
More to come, but I'm getting tired and not really in a smart mood. Please excuse poor grammer and spelling, blame Burgerville, fast food is slowly making me retarded...

I'm starting to get all giddy about my birthday coming up. And going to Gresham. I'm staying with Branden, Christi and Heather on Dec 2nd and the at the Holiday Inn from the 3rd until the 5th. I'm buying like 100+ dollars in alcohol the first night and I plan on spending most of the weekend happily drunk and surrounded by friends. I can't wait. I miss everyone so fricking much. I suddenly wish time would go faster. That would be great. Anywho...work is work. I have the next three days off, which is great and I'm getting 36 hours next week, which is also nice. Too bad only one day of that is going on the next paycheck I get. Blah. Okay, enough random wierdness from me for today. Bybye